Grateful 

60 days ago I was a complete mess. My heart and soul reeked of alcoholism and I had no idea how to hold on, and much less how in the world I would manage not going to the store to buy wine. It was Day 1. I had so many in the last few years and the most sober days I could manage was about 3. After that I felt like my heart would stop beating if I didn’t go get a drink. 

As I sit here and look back at those miserable days all I can think about is “how did I do it?” What in the world helped me hold on this time to sobriety when all my attempts had failed before? Some of it is a mystery only God knows. After all, if I had succeeded the first time, or better yet, never had been a drunk before, who would I be today? I tremble just thinking about it.

The fact is, those of us who have lived addiction know the heartache like no one else. But even more than that, the victory of finally getting sober feels like we’ve struck a well so deep it never runs dry. I know I have only 60 days but I’m so grateful for every single one! 

No, everyday has not been easy. The first 21 were excruciating. My soul was wailing for a drink. But God made me realize that it was a lie. I was depending on broken cisterns to fill me up and keep me alive. And then all of it was confirmed by the beautiful sober, or trying to get sober, bloggers I have met on this narrow road. So with gratitude I thank you all and I thank Jesus for not giving up me. I have been so held by Him these last 60 days, I can’t even express it. Really there are no words for such a precious gift. ❤️

I just read about the pioneer missionary to North Africa for over 40 years, Lilias Trotter. I love what she says nearing the end of her journey on this Earth. 

“Two glad Services are ours; Both the Master loves to bless 

First we serve with all our powers 

Then with all our helplessness. 

These lines of Charles Fox have rung in my head this last fortnight—& they link on with the wonderful words “weak with Him”—for the world’s salvation was not wrought out by the three years in which He went about doing good, but in the three hours of darkness in which He hung stripped & nailed, in utter exhaustion of spirit, soul & body, till His heart broke. So little wonder for us, if the price of power is weakness.”

“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”-Jesus, Mark 2:17 

Sinus infection & alka seltzer cold plus for dayssss 😫

I’ve been fighting a sinus infection for over a week now and I think the alka-seltzer cold plus I’ve been taking is helping the symptoms but the after effects of drowsiness are making me feel worse.

Also the side effect of depression from not being able to go and do like normal is getting me down. I know that this will pass, “if it doesn’t kill me” as I told my husband. On a brighter note, I’ve read like 10 books in the last week! Lol. Probably more like 3, but still. 

So to counter my boring update (sigh), I will end with one of my favorite prayers from the book Valley of Vision. Sober Day 57 ❤️. And I will add that God has been so sweet and loving to me during this down time. He is truly such a good Father and more! 

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, 

Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, 

where I live in the depths 

but see thee in the heights; 

hemmed in by mountains of sin

I behold thy glory. 

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,

that to be low is to be high,

that the broken heart is the healed heart, 

that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, 

that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, 

that to have nothing is to possess all,

that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, 

that to give is to receive,

that the valley is the place of vision. 

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine; 
Let me find thy light in my darkness, 

thy life in my death, 

thy joy in my sorrow, 

thy grace in my sin,

thy riches in my poverty 

thy glory in my valley. 

31 Days…

One thing I’m learning to love about being sober is at the end of a really crappy day (Translation: It was just an ok day but my hypersensitive nature and over-dramatic-ness makes me believe it’s a really crappy day) is at the end of the day, I’m freaking sober.

I love that. And nothing and no one can take this super precious state of mind from me. Except a drink. But I don’t want to drink, which is absolutely insane! (in a really good way)

Oh and I saw a wine commercial today and the people were all happy and laughing and having a good time, throwing their heads back, picnic blanket on the beach, and I am not lying when I say this-my immediate thought was “Bullcrap!, That is NOT what that stuff does to you!” Ok maybe for 20 minutes or at the longest 30 minutes but, seriously, any euphoria disappears after that. I know because I tested it after reading The Naked Mind several months ago. And she points that out in the book and I was like, No way! But ya’ll, its true. After maybe 20 minutes, the euphoria is gone and all that’s left is the chase and drowsiness and the inability to relate to anyone on the planet in a healthy emotional way. Yes, alcohol. That’s what you freaking do and I’m calling you out on it because I have a feeling my brain might want you soon and I just want it to be prepared and know the truth.

I’m trying to figure out why my day was just “okay” and not “great” like the last few days but I honestly don’t know. And maybe I don’t need to figure it all out. Maybe it’s ok that I’ve joined the human race that’s not getting drunk and high and that have ok days and they remain ok and that’s ok! 😉

To all the people struggling, I’m praying so hard for you tonight. I ache for you, I really do. I have been there and it would only take a second to get right back there. But keep trying. Keep reaching out. The first 3 weeks I was sober were excruciating. It’s not easy now but it’s worth it. I’m a world away from were I was just 10 days ago and I know that it will only get better from here.

Love & Hugs 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet Relief

After 21 days of sobriety, it finally happened. I hesitate to write this because it’s so hard to believe and I don’t ever want to be fake or put anything out here, in this precious sober community, that would lead anyone else to think they are doing recovery wrong, if they don’t feel this way at 3 weeks sober but I’ve tried so hard to be honest from the beginning. I’ve had such a deep sense of peace the last few days.

I feel so relieved! It was such a fight every dang day to just keep breathing and walking and living. And then on top of that the cravings and denying every single thought about drinking that would come up. I’m sure my soul was bleeding. The pain of those first few days sober was excruciating at times. And I just had to keep praying and keep fighting and keep believing other people in recovery who are a lot further along than me. They said it gets better. They said just hang in there. They said keep going. Thank you sober community for being here! You are such a gift!

I don’t know what else to say. Something has definitely shifted and I love it. Day 24!!!!

 

Healing hurts

15 Days without alcohol feels…

so weird. It’s so hard to explain. Even though yesterday I felt “happy”. I still didn’t have a lot of peace. And the only I reason I even go there, on here, is because I would hate for someone to come here and read this and think it’s easy. Because as crazy as it sounds, even the good days aren’t easy at all.

It’s taken everything I have to be sober. I haven’t had a lot of cravings. I’ve had some but I literally just will not let my brain go there. I don’t let it think too long about drinking. Because I know if I do, I will give in.

As bad as the hangovers were. As bad as the shame and guilt was. It was comfortable to drink. Drinking not only stopped me from feeling. It actually helped me feel when I was numb. That’s where I’m at now. Kinda just numb. Kinda just here. Kinda just not much going on.

Except I’m healing. And my brain is putting itself back together. And my shattered heart is on the mend.

So behind all the numb, is a life preparing to emerge. Even though it hasn’t quite emerged yet. It’s on its way. I can feel it. I know it with everything in me, this will not last. I will live again. And my life will be so much more than just trying to not drink. The seed of sobriety has been planted and even though it’s so hard, I kinda feel like I’m finally home.

Come as You are by David Crowder

Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

There’s hope for the hopeless
And all those who’ve strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t cure

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
Lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Fall in his arms
Come as you are
There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=come+as+you+are+crowder&FORM=HDRSC3

a sober miracle

Today is awesome! I woke up feeling light and HAPPY! After several days feeling like a complete loser and wanting to drink wine, I feel okay today. That is a sober miracle!

I did spend some time reading about PAWS (Post acute withdrawal Syndrome). Oh great, another syndrome, I thought at first. But this one is a good syndrome to have if you’ve been trying to stop drinking as long as I have. Because to actually have it, you have to be SOBER. Anyway, there’s so much information about it but basically our brain chemistry changes when we abuse alcohol or any other drug and all the emotions and cravings of early sobriety are really symptoms that our brains are healing.

My brain is healing. My brain is healing. My brain is healing.

This is what I’m gonna think from now on when I’m feeling really crappy, anxious, or sad, and craving alcohol. I’ve been calling what I feel depression but I think I’m just sad. And it turns out that sadness is just a normal part of the human condition. Crazy right? (I know!)

So even though today I feel like a kindergartener who just started a new school year on LIFE. I am sober. I’m learning to deal with life and all its emotions that I suppressed with alcohol for so long. Day 14, I like you a lot!!!

Teenager is off with a friend who got exempt from end of the school year exams and so I don’t have the normal mommy guilt I usually have. They got up really early to take my friends son to school and go hunting. He’s a really good kid and I’m very proud of him. He’s nothing like I was when I was his age-I was horrible!

I talked to Husband earlier and we had a good simple talk without me feeling like it was all about me and my not drinking now. We didn’t talk about anything really much but just our normal day to day talk. But for the last week I have hated these talks. It was just another reminder of how normal he is and how messed up I am. I don’t know if that makes sense but its really good to not be full of self-pity for a change.

And speaking of miracles, I have a new, real-life sober friend! Shawna from https://asobermiracle.wordpress.com/ (that’s where I got the theme from my blog post today). I’ve read a lot of blogs and books and I can tell you this girl has a talent! And she’s been sober a lot longer than me. We are now sober together! Yah!