Man, I don’t know what to say anymore or how to write. It’s like all my words are way too jumbled to make a proper post and I can’t quite get the story out of my heart and head on to this page. But I’m still sober and life is really mostly joyful now. For that I am so so grateful. ❤️
It’s crazy how sobriety opens up a whole new world and that it’s mostly crazy good. I used to think that drinking helped me cope. It didn’t. It actually lengthened the bad days and made it 100 times worse. This seems like common sense (which I’ll admit, I’ve always lacked) but this newfound deeply settled belief is amazing.
The last time I wrote on here, my heart was broken. It was a hard time but I got through it and to my surprise things are really good again, although different.
I think the best thing I’ve learned is that the mundaneness of the early days of sobriety really do add up to joy filled serenity and peace. There’s something really awesome about doing really hard things and not giving in. We who are sober now certainly don’t come up from such a pit with empty hands and hearts. Instead, we know a little bit more about overcoming some really hard stuff and the beauty of healing. I think that’s pretty cool. ❤ Day 136 ☺️
A few days after my last post about the grace of God in my life, I read an article by someone that doesn’t think it’s fair to claim such a thing because that would mean the ones that are still stuck are somehow different. I have to admit, I’ve heard this before and was a little hesitant about using it in my last post. But honestly, what else could I say? Anything else would be a lie.
All I know is the first time I got sober in 2010 I was completely broken. All my life attempts had failed. Every moment was spent high or trying to get high. My only friend was an old man that gave me pills. My husband was done. My family and friends were done. I had determined that dying an addict was the best way to go. But I couldn’t die and eventually the pain of being alone with my pills became greater than the idea of getting sober.
And then at the end of myself, I met God as I had never known Him before-through His Holy Word of The Bible. Instead of rehearsed prayers that never broke the wall of my heart, I cried out to Him with all my heart and soul not holding anything back. I still wanted to get high and I was too tired to learn how to live a new life-and told Him so. I told Him a virgin birth and the cross as outlined in the gospels were just too incomprehensible for me to believe. He already knew it anyway.
And slowly, this Immeasurable God changed my heart from one of stone to one of flesh. He sat my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. My whole life changed. And more importantly I was a new person. Not sinless and perfect. But I knew The One who was. And is.
Fast forward to 81 days ago after a 3 yr relapse and trying to get sober one more time (this time from a growing nightly wine addiction), and I have no other explanation for it. Only the grace of God could change a wretch like me. I’ve been the one that has been in the pits of despair and wondered “why me God? You could deliver me with a word and you won’t?” I don’t have the answer to that. Only He knows. He is a God that can’t be defined by humans. Thankfully.
But this I know because the Bible tells me so:
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16
Keep crying out to Him. Get to know Him through His Word. And even though you may not still understand His grace, you won’t be able to deny it. ❤
And all of a sudden I remembered I am sober. That’s what happened a few minutes ago when I came on here to my reader and saw the precious sober bloggers that fill my feed. The ones that have reached out to me the last 41 days and I to them. It’s really a magical feeling to struggle with something for so long and then realize that just for today, I didn’t struggle with it at all.
This week can be summed in one word: Sweet. I really had the sweetest week. I realized after my cravings post that I indeed was craving something no alcohol or drug has ever been able to touch and that is God.
So I prayed to Him more than I ever have. As much as I could I committed every act and thought to Him, even, no especially, the smallest details. And all I can say is I had the sweetest time washing dishes, doing the laundry, and other mundane tasks that a housewife normally does. I made every effort to walk, live, and breathe in His grace and something happened to my heart in those occasions that is so hard to put in mere words. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.
I am so thankful today. I can’t believe that I am still sober and that I have so much peace. My marriage is 100 times better and my relationship with my teenage son is even really good. This is really lovely. I love being sober! 🙂
Today is awesome! I woke up feeling light and HAPPY! After several days feeling like a complete loser and wanting to drink wine, I feel okay today. That is a sober miracle!
I did spend some time reading about PAWS (Post acute withdrawal Syndrome). Oh great, another syndrome, I thought at first. But this one is a good syndrome to have if you’ve been trying to stop drinking as long as I have. Because to actually have it, you have to be SOBER. Anyway, there’s so much information about it but basically our brain chemistry changes when we abuse alcohol or any other drug and all the emotions and cravings of early sobriety are really symptoms that our brains are healing.
My brain is healing. My brain is healing. My brain is healing.
This is what I’m gonna think from now on when I’m feeling really crappy, anxious, or sad, and craving alcohol. I’ve been calling what I feel depression but I think I’m just sad. And it turns out that sadness is just a normal part of the human condition. Crazy right? (I know!)
So even though today I feel like a kindergartener who just started a new school year on LIFE. I am sober. I’m learning to deal with life and all its emotions that I suppressed with alcohol for so long. Day 14, I like you a lot!!!
Teenager is off with a friend who got exempt from end of the school year exams and so I don’t have the normal mommy guilt I usually have. They got up really early to take my friends son to school and go hunting. He’s a really good kid and I’m very proud of him. He’s nothing like I was when I was his age-I was horrible!
I talked to Husband earlier and we had a good simple talk without me feeling like it was all about me and my not drinking now. We didn’t talk about anything really much but just our normal day to day talk. But for the last week I have hated these talks. It was just another reminder of how normal he is and how messed up I am. I don’t know if that makes sense but its really good to not be full of self-pity for a change.
And speaking of miracles, I have a new, real-life sober friend! Shawna from https://asobermiracle.wordpress.com/ (that’s where I got the theme from my blog post today). I’ve read a lot of blogs and books and I can tell you this girl has a talent! And she’s been sober a lot longer than me. We are now sober together! Yah!
It’s only by the grace of God I’m still sober. I’ve had some cravings and depression has kicked in. But it’s like a switch has flipped in my brain to not drink no matter what. I feel like a robot. Like I’m just going through the motions from the time I wake up to the time, finally, thankfully, it’s time to go to bed.
And all day long the chatter in my head goes something like this “Is this really gonna work? What if I’m miserable sober? What if sober doesn’t work for me? What if being sober makes me worse and not better?” And on and on.
Honestly, I’m not trusting this process. I don’t really believe God can restore me to sanity. No wonder I’m sad. No wonder I feel almost hopeless.
Another thing is I’m a housewife who homeschools my teenager. I constantly beat myself up that I’m not good enough at either. The first week I was sober, I gave myself a break from the constant condemnation that has been with me since I was born. Anyway, being at home all day is a blessing but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel that way a lot. There’s really not a break in the day or even an escape so I it feels like I have no choice but to just live in it like it is. I know that’s a lie. I could exercise. Which helps tremendously. But it’s almost like I want to just give up. It’s almost like I just want this to be easier and not have to work for it.
I’m tired. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically just tired. I don’t want to try so hard to stay sober. Or to be happy. or to live a normal, fulfilling life.
Which is exactly where alcohol takes me. It takes me to the place where it’s ok to be tired. Its perfectly fine to not care. And life is easy.
On one of my last hangovers I wrote
“I can’t hate myself for this. I just have to keep trying. Thomas Edison failed 1000 times before he made the light bulb work. I won’t give up on myself. I can’t afford to hate myself or be mad at myself. I drank. It wasn’t in my goals but so what. It happened.
I feel like crap.
The nausea, the depression, is awful.
I’ve been in bed all day.
I’m too tired to live.
And feeling above all unworthy of anything good.
God please reach inside my heart and give me the strength to say no to alcohol forever. Help me to stop the madness. Help me to live a joyful life and surrender to you and your ways. I just want to say no to drinking for the rest of my life.”
He’s given me strength to say no to alcohol. Maybe now He’s helping me to stop the madness…
Sober doesn’t feel good at all today. I feel like my life-as miserable as it was with the shame of drinking and not being able to stop-has been taken out with the trash. You know those days where you take your big trash can to the end of your driveway for the trash service to pick up every week. That has happened to life as I know it. I knew getting sober would be hard. The first week was good. I felt relief not having hangovers and just being sober was a comfort. But now.
Now everything hurts. My husband can’t say anything right. And looking at my teenager is just another reminder of all my inadaquecys at being a mom. How many times have I failed him? What if I wasn’t an addict or alcoholic? What if I was “normal”? How bad have I messed him up? Theres a new tightness in my chest filled with guilt that only a drunk mother would recognize. It’s gnawing and deep. Like a dog that has gripped its teeth onto my heart and refuses to let go.
I really hate you Day 11. But I hate the thought of drinking even more so. Thank you Jesus. ❤️
I have so much in my head. Today is Day 9 without alcohol. I’m nervous someone is gonna come here and read this and not stay past the first sentence. Or no one is gonna care at all. Maybe this is just for me. All I know is I have a sober penpal. I’ve been reading other sober blogs and listening to sober podcasts and now I have 9 days sober. No wine in 9 days. I feel like I sound so serious. But in reality I’m tired. I was way too busy at home today doing yard work before the freezing cold comes in tomorrow. I’m not usually this responsible unless ive taken diet pills or even a pain pill.(ha!) Which I haven’t had in several months. But anyway I’ve been drinking for the past several years AFTER being sober for over 3 years. I’m doing this blog anonymously but my thoughts and heart will be sincere. This is the way others, who have been my sober support for NINE DAYS 🙂 have done it and this is what I’m gonna do to.
I’ve learned its the simple things that keep me sober. Treats (a new candle, a bath, taking a nap, going to bed early, ordering take-out), self-care, going against what my brain wants to do-drink now, drink bc its 4 pm, drink because I’m breathing-, and just taking it one day at a time. One hour at a time. Ive found things that sound way too ridiculous to help, really do help. Sorry my first is boring. If you come and read, please leave a comment letting me know you came. I’m here for support. And maybe even to be a support to someone else.
So far, I have so much more peace than Ive had in a very long time. Being sober has become like a security blanket for me. I’ve tried for several years to stop and never thought I would ever say anything like that. I loved the way alcohol made me feel for a long time. But the hangovers and the guilt and shame became, thankfully, unbearable. It’s not easy. But it’s really good. And I’m very grateful for this hard, beautiful road I’m now on. I really am.
Love, Wynn 🙂