Day 196 

Man, I don’t know what to say anymore or how to write. It’s like all my words are way too jumbled to make a proper post and I can’t quite get the story out of my heart and head on to this page. But I’m still sober and life is really mostly joyful now. For that I am so so grateful. ❤️

Sober living is really the best

It’s crazy how sobriety opens up a whole new world and that it’s mostly crazy good. I used to think that drinking helped me cope. It didn’t. It actually lengthened the bad days and made it 100 times worse. This seems like common sense (which I’ll admit, I’ve always lacked) but this newfound deeply settled belief is amazing. 

The last time I wrote on here, my heart was broken. It was a hard time but I got through it and to my surprise things are really good again, although different. 

I think the best thing I’ve learned is that the mundaneness of the early days of sobriety really do add up to joy filled serenity and peace. There’s something really awesome about doing really hard things and not giving in. We who are sober now certainly don’t come up from such a pit with empty hands and hearts. Instead, we know a little bit more about overcoming some really hard stuff and the beauty of healing. I think that’s pretty cool. ❤ Day 136 ☺️

Still clinging

Its hard to write when it feels like all you’ve known for so long is no longer. Life as I knew it ended about a month ago. I won’t go into detail on here but it felt like 1000 deaths at one time. It’s been like waking up to a nightmare every. single. day. And as the mourning continues, I have nothing in this world to cling too like I thought I did. That may sound dramatic but it’s a literal translation of where my soul and heart are at the moment.

I’ve read about the dark night of the soul so many times because I could always relate to it, on some level. And so now I am there. In all its fullness. This was born from pure evil. Flesh and blood are too weak.

And so at 104 days sober, I’m exactly where I was 104 days ago-clinging to the cross. The miracle is that I don’t want to drink. I know it would make things so much worse. My drunk mind would add lies on top of heartache and I just will not go there. The pain is too deep to pour wine on it.

One thing I’ve clung too so hopefully is that this world is not my home. This is not all there is. And experiences like this just make that more of a fact. This world indeed is not my home, as my Savior is on the throne in heaven and I am with Him. I just really miss holding on to something with skin on and right now, I trust absolutely no one. My husband and son and family are good, but mourning the same.

If you are a believer please say a prayer for me. Only God can turn ashes into beauty and I hope and pray I don’t sink into a never-ending pit of despair before that happens. Pray that he puts the ripped pieces of my heart back together and that I trust Him in the process. Thank you so much.

 

Amazing Grace 

A few days after my last post about the grace of God in my life, I read an article by someone that doesn’t think it’s fair to claim such a thing because that would mean the ones that are still stuck are somehow different. I have to admit, I’ve heard this before and was a little hesitant about using it in my last post. But honestly, what else could I say? Anything else would be a lie.

All I know is the first time I got sober in 2010 I was completely broken. All my life attempts had failed. Every moment was spent high or trying to get high. My only friend was an old man that gave me pills. My husband was done. My family and friends were done. I had determined that dying an addict was the best way to go. But I couldn’t die and eventually the pain of being alone with my pills became greater than the idea of getting sober. 

And then at the end of myself, I met God as I had never known Him before-through His Holy Word of The Bible. Instead of rehearsed prayers that never broke the wall of my heart, I cried out to Him with all my heart and soul not holding anything back. I still wanted to get high and I was too tired to learn how to live a new life-and told Him so. I told Him a virgin birth and the cross as outlined in the gospels were just too incomprehensible for me to believe. He already knew it anyway. 

And slowly, this Immeasurable God changed my heart from one of stone to one of flesh. He sat my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. My whole life changed. And more importantly I was a new person. Not sinless and perfect. But I knew The One who was. And is. 

Fast forward to 81 days ago after a 3 yr relapse and trying to get sober one more time (this time from a growing nightly wine addiction), and I have no other explanation for it. Only the grace of God could change a wretch like me. I’ve been the one that has been in the pits of despair and wondered “why me God? You could deliver me with a word and you won’t?” I don’t have the answer to that. Only He knows. He is a God that can’t be defined by humans. Thankfully. 

But this I know because the Bible tells me so:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Keep crying out to Him. Get to know Him through His Word. And even though you may not still understand His grace, you won’t be able to deny it. ❤

But for the grace of God…

“Although she was drinking more than ever, she was frequenting bars less. Most of her drinking was done at home now, and she became a recluse, withdrawing from the real world into a realm all her own. 

Nearly all of her waking hours were spent sitting on a bar stool alone in the darkness of our tiny kitchen. She wore nothing but a slip, day and night.

She drank, smoked cigarettes and sometimes muttered to herself. Occasionally she barked out orders to my father or me, but for the most part, she didn’t participate in our lives. 

My mother had been reduced to not much more than an angry voice from the kitchen. At night, all I saw of her was the red glow on the end of her cigarette.” –Glenda’s Story, Led by Grace

Tears, mixed with regret for the past and gratitude for what is, filled my eyes as I read these words last night. But for the grace of God go I. This is me if I ever pick up alcohol again. Drinking provided a “safe” place for me to tune the world out. I wasn’t a fun, easy-going drunk. And at the expense of my family would I go to any length to stay in the place where the blinds to my heart and mind could be shut-even for a moment.

74 days ago God heard my prayer and delivered me day by day to the miracle of living sober. Without it, I have absolutely nothing. 

CS Lewis nails it when he talks about Gods will for us vs our own:

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

Indeed. ❤

Grateful 

60 days ago I was a complete mess. My heart and soul reeked of alcoholism and I had no idea how to hold on, and much less how in the world I would manage not going to the store to buy wine. It was Day 1. I had so many in the last few years and the most sober days I could manage was about 3. After that I felt like my heart would stop beating if I didn’t go get a drink. 

As I sit here and look back at those miserable days all I can think about is “how did I do it?” What in the world helped me hold on this time to sobriety when all my attempts had failed before? Some of it is a mystery only God knows. After all, if I had succeeded the first time, or better yet, never had been a drunk before, who would I be today? I tremble just thinking about it.

The fact is, those of us who have lived addiction know the heartache like no one else. But even more than that, the victory of finally getting sober feels like we’ve struck a well so deep it never runs dry. I know I have only 60 days but I’m so grateful for every single one! 

No, everyday has not been easy. The first 21 were excruciating. My soul was wailing for a drink. But God made me realize that it was a lie. I was depending on broken cisterns to fill me up and keep me alive. And then all of it was confirmed by the beautiful sober, or trying to get sober, bloggers I have met on this narrow road. So with gratitude I thank you all and I thank Jesus for not giving up me. I have been so held by Him these last 60 days, I can’t even express it. Really there are no words for such a precious gift. ❤️

I just read about the pioneer missionary to North Africa for over 40 years, Lilias Trotter. I love what she says nearing the end of her journey on this Earth. 

“Two glad Services are ours; Both the Master loves to bless 

First we serve with all our powers 

Then with all our helplessness. 

These lines of Charles Fox have rung in my head this last fortnight—& they link on with the wonderful words “weak with Him”—for the world’s salvation was not wrought out by the three years in which He went about doing good, but in the three hours of darkness in which He hung stripped & nailed, in utter exhaustion of spirit, soul & body, till His heart broke. So little wonder for us, if the price of power is weakness.”

“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”-Jesus, Mark 2:17 

Sinus infection & alka seltzer cold plus for dayssss 😫

I’ve been fighting a sinus infection for over a week now and I think the alka-seltzer cold plus I’ve been taking is helping the symptoms but the after effects of drowsiness are making me feel worse.

Also the side effect of depression from not being able to go and do like normal is getting me down. I know that this will pass, “if it doesn’t kill me” as I told my husband. On a brighter note, I’ve read like 10 books in the last week! Lol. Probably more like 3, but still. 

So to counter my boring update (sigh), I will end with one of my favorite prayers from the book Valley of Vision. Sober Day 57 ❤️. And I will add that God has been so sweet and loving to me during this down time. He is truly such a good Father and more! 

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, 

Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, 

where I live in the depths 

but see thee in the heights; 

hemmed in by mountains of sin

I behold thy glory. 

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,

that to be low is to be high,

that the broken heart is the healed heart, 

that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, 

that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, 

that to have nothing is to possess all,

that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, 

that to give is to receive,

that the valley is the place of vision. 

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine; 
Let me find thy light in my darkness, 

thy life in my death, 

thy joy in my sorrow, 

thy grace in my sin,

thy riches in my poverty 

thy glory in my valley. 

Human 

Some days I just have to sit in my weakness. I’m a human being who wrestles with daily life  and I can’t forget this important fact-I’ve only been sober 52 days! It is such a gift, don’t get me wrong! But sometimes I feel so immensely blessed that that my drinking days feel a world away from where I am now.

The sadness of today, for no particular reason, is just what it is. A down day. It doesn’t mean my sobriety is bad or that I have to do A, B, & C to feel better. It just is what it is. 

Sometimes feeling all the humanity of ourselves is good. It’s what keeps us humble and compassionate. And rids us of any pride that we may acquire, unknowingly, on our good days. God is just as good on my “bad” days as my good days. Maybe even more so. ❤️


But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV

I love being sober

And all of a sudden I remembered I am sober. That’s what happened a few minutes ago when I came on here to my reader and saw the precious sober bloggers that fill my feed. The ones that have reached out to me the last 41 days and I to them. It’s really a magical feeling to struggle with something for so long and then realize that just for today, I didn’t struggle with it at all.

This week can be summed in one word: Sweet. I really had the sweetest week. I realized after my cravings post that I indeed was craving something no alcohol or drug has ever been able to touch and that is God.

So I prayed to Him more than I ever have. As much as I could I committed every act and thought to Him, even, no especially, the smallest details. And all I can say is I had the sweetest time washing dishes, doing the laundry, and other mundane tasks that a housewife normally does. I made every effort to walk, live, and breathe in His grace and something happened to my heart in those occasions that is so hard to put in mere words. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

I am so thankful today. I can’t believe that I am still sober and that I have so much peace. My marriage is 100 times better and my relationship with my teenage son is even really good. This is really lovely. I love being sober! 🙂