Still clinging

Its hard to write when it feels like all you’ve known for so long is no longer. Life as I knew it ended about a month ago. I won’t go into detail on here but it felt like 1000 deaths at one time. It’s been like waking up to a nightmare every. single. day. And as the mourning continues, I have nothing in this world to cling too like I thought I did. That may sound dramatic but it’s a literal translation of where my soul and heart are at the moment.

I’ve read about the dark night of the soul so many times because I could always relate to it, on some level. And so now I am there. In all its fullness. This was born from pure evil. Flesh and blood are too weak.

And so at 104 days sober, I’m exactly where I was 104 days ago-clinging to the cross. The miracle is that I don’t want to drink. I know it would make things so much worse. My drunk mind would add lies on top of heartache and I just will not go there. The pain is too deep to pour wine on it.

One thing I’ve clung too so hopefully is that this world is not my home. This is not all there is. And experiences like this just make that more of a fact. This world indeed is not my home, as my Savior is on the throne in heaven and I am with Him. I just really miss holding on to something with skin on and right now, I trust absolutely no one. My husband and son and family are good, but mourning the same.

If you are a believer please say a prayer for me. Only God can turn ashes into beauty and I hope and pray I don’t sink into a never-ending pit of despair before that happens. Pray that he puts the ripped pieces of my heart back together and that I trust Him in the process. Thank you so much.

 

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16 thoughts on “Still clinging

  1. Always remember that the pit of despair is temporary, not never-ending. Psalm 23 says “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.” Focus on the preposition here: through. Jesus will not let you dwell permanently in the valley. You are merely a traveler through, even when the valley is much longer and deeper and wider than we want it to be. Praying you sense God’s presence in this valley with all your heart, mind, and soul.

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  2. You are His. Your writing shows your faithfulness. You inspire in others the love for Him. Nothing, not even pure evil, not even weakness of flesh and blood can keep Him from you and you from Him. And He uses everything- every single thing- the good, the bad and even the ugly for your good and His Glory. He turns garbage into gold. You are an amazing woman. Praying with you my dear sister in Christ. ❤

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  3. I find contemplative prayer a soothing help during the dark days. It isn’t always easy but sometimes we need to fill our soul up with God’s presence and I know no better way. Will be praying 😘😘

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  4. Psalm 30:5
    “For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

    This too shall pass. Whatever “this” is, it will pass. It is in the depths of our brokenness that we really find out who we are and whose we are. You are in the pit of despair; but, I see a glimmer of light in your not turning to drink. His light is in you and it is shining through you.

    Remember: Psalm 147:3
    “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

    Let Him tend to your wounds. Grasp the hem of His robe and be healed. It may not be as swift as you would like but God is more concerned with timing than time. His timing is perfect and I am sure that He is with you know, working on your circumstances and in your heart.

    Matthew 11:28
    “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

    Rest in the Lord. You are right, the world is not your home. We are called to be in the world but not of the world. We are called to show His Grace, despite our suffering, as a witness to the world. So rest and regroup and face this with love.

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  5. You are most welcome. We are all strangers bound together by the Holy Spirit, one in Christ, one in the struggle called life. May God richly bless you for the light you shed on the world through the Spirit of Christ.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I will pray for you. And healing for your heart. I recently read this and have been clinging to its promise; in case it is useful to you:
    “The righteous keep moving forward, and those with clean hands become stronger and stronger.” Job 17:9.

    Liked by 1 person

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