Its hard to write when it feels like all you’ve known for so long is no longer. Life as I knew it ended about a month ago. I won’t go into detail on here but it felt like 1000 deaths at one time. It’s been like waking up to a nightmare every. single. day. And as the mourning continues, I have nothing in this world to cling too like I thought I did. That may sound dramatic but it’s a literal translation of where my soul and heart are at the moment.
I’ve read about the dark night of the soul so many times because I could always relate to it, on some level. And so now I am there. In all its fullness. This was born from pure evil. Flesh and blood are too weak.
And so at 104 days sober, I’m exactly where I was 104 days ago-clinging to the cross. The miracle is that I don’t want to drink. I know it would make things so much worse. My drunk mind would add lies on top of heartache and I just will not go there. The pain is too deep to pour wine on it.
One thing I’ve clung too so hopefully is that this world is not my home. This is not all there is. And experiences like this just make that more of a fact. This world indeed is not my home, as my Savior is on the throne in heaven and I am with Him. I just really miss holding on to something with skin on and right now, I trust absolutely no one. My husband and son and family are good, but mourning the same.
If you are a believer please say a prayer for me. Only God can turn ashes into beauty and I hope and pray I don’t sink into a never-ending pit of despair before that happens. Pray that he puts the ripped pieces of my heart back together and that I trust Him in the process. Thank you so much.