Grateful 

60 days ago I was a complete mess. My heart and soul reeked of alcoholism and I had no idea how to hold on, and much less how in the world I would manage not going to the store to buy wine. It was Day 1. I had so many in the last few years and the most sober days I could manage was about 3. After that I felt like my heart would stop beating if I didn’t go get a drink. 

As I sit here and look back at those miserable days all I can think about is “how did I do it?” What in the world helped me hold on this time to sobriety when all my attempts had failed before? Some of it is a mystery only God knows. After all, if I had succeeded the first time, or better yet, never had been a drunk before, who would I be today? I tremble just thinking about it.

The fact is, those of us who have lived addiction know the heartache like no one else. But even more than that, the victory of finally getting sober feels like we’ve struck a well so deep it never runs dry. I know I have only 60 days but I’m so grateful for every single one! 

No, everyday has not been easy. The first 21 were excruciating. My soul was wailing for a drink. But God made me realize that it was a lie. I was depending on broken cisterns to fill me up and keep me alive. And then all of it was confirmed by the beautiful sober, or trying to get sober, bloggers I have met on this narrow road. So with gratitude I thank you all and I thank Jesus for not giving up me. I have been so held by Him these last 60 days, I can’t even express it. Really there are no words for such a precious gift. ❤️

I just read about the pioneer missionary to North Africa for over 40 years, Lilias Trotter. I love what she says nearing the end of her journey on this Earth. 

“Two glad Services are ours; Both the Master loves to bless 

First we serve with all our powers 

Then with all our helplessness. 

These lines of Charles Fox have rung in my head this last fortnight—& they link on with the wonderful words “weak with Him”—for the world’s salvation was not wrought out by the three years in which He went about doing good, but in the three hours of darkness in which He hung stripped & nailed, in utter exhaustion of spirit, soul & body, till His heart broke. So little wonder for us, if the price of power is weakness.”

“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”-Jesus, Mark 2:17 

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10 thoughts on “Grateful 

  1. Beautiful. I love the part about striking a well. Very true!!! Congrats on the big 60. It’s a biggie!! I remember it felt like eternity for me to get my 30 day chip. One month was like a year! So 60 days felt like two years lol. Happy for you!! You ARE on the right path and you have the right mindset. Gratitude. Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I agree that having this mindset will help you so much. I think the idea of the well is a beautiful one. I tried to fill my God-sized hole with everything except God. And now that I am connected in a deeper way to Him, I know that I will be taken care of.

    The early days are rough – anyone who says they aren’t are lying or aren’t alcoholics! But it gets better and you are already seeing this.

    Wonderful post. Thank you and congrats on your sober time!

    Blessings
    Paul

    Liked by 2 people

  3. We are His clay pots made by His hands. Life causes us to be dropped, kicked, broken and cracked. It is through the brokenness, through the cracks in our clay, that His light can shine in. When we are filled with His light, it is through the cracks in our clay that His light will shine out. Through our suffering we were blessed and because of this we will be a blessing. We will be the light for those in the darkness.

    So we are blessed to be cracked pots. (Pun intended.)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I had just been thinking about you, so I commented on your last post. And then ZING! Your new post popped up. So glad that you are still here! And what a beautiful post. It is amazing to begin to feel alive again. I’ve been walking around a garden center today, just breathing in all of the beautiful scents from the flowers. Such a simple thing, but so powerfully moving. I would never have done that while drinking. I couldn’t be ‘in the moment’ because I was always thinking about drinking or quitting or was too numb to notice much of anything.
    Congratulations on 60 days. ; )
    xoxo!

    Liked by 1 person

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