Craving

I kinda miss it. The buzz, the euphoria, the escape. I drank alone in my room mostly at night. But sometimes in the morning and during the day too. I would watch Dateline and 48 hours bc it made me feel better about myself. At least I wasn’t murdering people. I was just a drunk.

I think if it wasn’t for the shame I would still be doing it. My husband said “It just takes the life out of you”. And I liked that it did. I think so much, about everything. I’m like a sponge soaking up all that’s around me. If I see something awful happen to a child, it’s all I can think about for at least 2 weeks. I don’t watch the news because of it. The only time I could ever “handle” anything like that is if I was drunk. I don’t like feeling so deeply about things. I’ve prayed to be more simple. And the fight to become what I’m not meant to be usually just leads to being cynical and sarcastic. The walls go up around my heart and I become numb and cold.

But I do believe with all my heart that God makes us how we are supposed to be, to glorify Him. I’m like a magnet to those suffering or grieving. I feel like I’m boasting when I say that but if your like me and you don’t like your sensitive nature, you need to know that it’s really a gift. Compassion for others always cost something. Suffering is the price to pay to help others who are suffering in any real way. It makes their pain almost tangible because we’ve felt it. We know what it’s like to have our hearts torn apart by a death, or a loss, or getting sober.

This is what is helping me stay this path right now. To know that it’s not meaningless. The boredom, the cravings, the having to fill the time with something else, the being way too lazy and staying in bed too much and trying to work myself out of that-it’s doing something.

As I crave and have brief thoughts about taking a break from sobriety I have to remember I’m going somewhere good. It is so painful some days but the shame I felt when I couldn’t control it anymore and it’s all I could think about is not worth it. I don’t want to go back. I want to keep going. Even though it’s only been 35 days since I’ve stopped closing the blinds on my heart and mind and I’ve got such a long way to go, it will be worth it. God says so. And I believe Him. 🙂

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.[a] If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers,[b] of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. 10 He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. 11 You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many. 2 Corinthians 1:3-11

 

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45 thoughts on “Craving

  1. I’m fortunate that I don’t miss the buzz, but I’ve been thinking tonight that although I love my photography hobby dearly- sometimes I wonder if it’s a replacement for the booze. Something to keep my mind numb from thinking too much. I think we are all wired to be of service and we find things to do to keep us from being as effective as we could be. That’s my thoughts on my own situation anyway. I don’t know if that makes sense. It’s a new year girl! Hang in there! And I used to watch those shows too! Crazy.

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    1. We need to replace our old habits with good ones though. Matthew 12:43-45 speaks to this. You’re love for nature and people comes through your photography and I think it’s just beautiful.

      I’m envious of your not missing it. How long did that take? Or has it always been that way?

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      1. I actually always do well once I get it out of my blood system. I’m to the point that if I drink, I almost commit suicide- so I guess I finally just said OH forget it, you know? My problem was loneliness and I conquered that by meetings and church, and moving in with my mom. So, it’s been a process I guess. And I avoid bars and parties. That was my downfall too. I don’t know a lot but I think we all have deep set reasons and the key for me was finding out what they were. That make sense?

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      2. All of my writing during my relapses is what helped me too. I dug deep into the past and all you know? Oh, and the 12 steps. I don’t know. Just rambling. But the writing is kind of like step 4- reviewing your life story. Plus the writing did keep me busy.

        Liked by 3 people

      3. I’m just tired of feeling so much. It’s so juvenile but I’ve never learned to really feel and be ok with it. When I got sober last time I just denied myself every day and started running. Don’t get me wrong-it was a huge blessing and I got to know God through His Word and learned how much God loved me through a relationship with Jesus. But I still didn’t learn to just deal with daily life. Plus I was calling in a number with the board of nursing everyday and had the potential of losing my nursing license if I failed a drug test. Long story but this time I’m just trying to really recover without escaping but at the same time I know I should be exercising. My brain needs it. It’s all so much and it makes me crazy lol

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    1. You nailed it. I do not like the buzz, and definitely do not like drunk or hangovers, but the anticipation and the first few sips of settling in – that is the hard part. It was like when I smoked and FINALLY quit after 17 years – the part I missed the most was the smell from the cig being lit and the first drag – it was crap after that. But that first drag kept me coming back. I still enjoy smelling someone first light up, but then I’m running for fresh air.

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      1. It is hard. My husband, who is sober too, really feels it on Friday, after work. He misses that thrill of possibility.

        I think it’s good to voice these feelings. It’s easy to think people quit drinking and never look back. I think we all do…we just are able to accept that it’s not worth the price.

        I find I often experience moments of intense joy at unexpected times. These moments never happened when I was drinking. Or, if they did, I didn’t recognize them. They make it all worthwhile.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. It is VERY good to hear people who have been sober for a long time share advice and their struggles. I think it keeps it real and helps those of us who haven’t quite got it yet to see what is ahead. I think as much as we can know empowers us.

        Liked by 3 people

  2. Keep busy with something even if it doesn’t make sense. That is what I have had to do and writing helps me tremendously. Just do what you have to do to fill the void and occupy your mind – lol – I play a lot of Candy Crush if I am feeling anxious or fidgety.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Also…I am going to write about it tomorrow, but I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight. It was so amazing and I think it is going to add a whole new level of accountability and encouragement. Do you have one near you? They are very serious about anonymity and such. It is basically AA for Christians.

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      1. I wrote this post bc as hard as it is to get and stay sober-getting through these hard days is really a beautiful thing. I know that. But sometimes forget and need to remind myself that it’s well worth it.

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  4. Yup I’m in the “feel too much” brigade too, and I have to avoid the news; especially stories about children tear me to pieces and creep into my thoughts for ages after. I was particularly bad with that after my first child. I also used wine to switch that part of me off. If some film would be tough watching I even used to say “oh I’ll need wine to be able to get through this!!”. Been doing it since I was about 16. I think when we first get sober, we have to work out how the hell to deal with these feelings, possibly for the first time in our lives!! Definitely a work in progress here. I love your take on it.
    Do you like music? I’m finding that putting something I really love on helps massively when I’m craving the old buzz. It works especially well if it gets me moving, I’m sure it releases endorphins as I’ve started getting a nice (healthy) buzz from the music. Worth a try! Stay strong, I love your insight, & you’re doing so well! Red xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I feel deeply too. But mine was in a detrimental way. I would hear a sad story and take it on board as though it were my personal story. I would live someone else’s pain. That was not healthy for me or for the person I was trying to care for. I drank my pain away. Went on medication to help numb my emotions. The Bible talks about taking every thought captive. It is so true. Our thoughts run rampant. We are reminded to think on whatsoever is good, pure and lovely. We must protect our minds and our hearts. Watch what we take onboard, guard our mind and our heart. Watch our words. I am slowly learning this. Researching the science behind negative thoughts and how they damage our brain and become hardwired causing us much suffering. But what has been done can be undone.
    I am 2 months sober and the cravings are getting easier. I don’t think I will ever forget the pleasure of a drink but I know that I can’t stop at one and can never go back. I read a lot, try to educate myself, self care, self love. It helps. I have a new focus, health, a stronger more positive mindset, fitness. Do you have a dream, something you look forward to doing in sobriety. It helps to have a vision for your life. Much love xx

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    1. Love all of what you wrote. It’s all so true! My dream at this point is to be a good mom and wife, daughter and sister, and to help the many ppl in a ministry I’m involved in at my church as much as I can. I’ve had to learn to balance it all.

      I have a sober coach-Belle at Tired of thinking about drinking although I use this blog outlet more. But her big thing is avoiding overwhelm in early sobriety. So I’m trying to take it one day at a time and just do what’s necessary. I love exercise too. It helps me mentally and emotionally so much. So even though I don’t “feel” like it-I’m going to exercise today and will report back here (for accountability) how it helped. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. And the enemy wants to keep you from doing Gods will and bringing Him glory so he will temped you with alcohol because it is the stronghold in your life..or was your stronghold😊👍🙃. Keep your eyes on Jesus

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    1. Lol, surely not. It’s all a yet for us, isn’t it! Crazy thing is-is before I got sober in 2009 (the first time I was sober) I was as bad as some of them. Goodness it was awful. I’ve been itching to write about some of it but I’m afraid the graphics would trigger some. Especially the ones about my heavy addiction. We shall see…How are you?

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      1. Doing well…trying to remindo myself this is a marathon, not a sprint…the longest stint in the past 5 years was only 2 weeks so I’m anxious to get past that mark to see if I feel a bit more settled.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It took me 3 weeks to feel more settled. Everyday before that felt excruciatingly painful. You are so right-it’s a process not an event. But it sure is painful. It will be worth it though! Take extra good care of yourself and only do what’s absolutely necessary. Avoid overwhelm. You can do this!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. It seems we have a lot of empaths in this group. Google that if you want to see what the traits are. As a fellow empath, I REFUSE to watch movies, tv series, news, etc., that I know will bother me in any way. I used to watch things to placate other people, but I now protect my beautiful sensitive nature my not polluting it with images that will haunt me.

    On the plus side, empaths have a lot of intuition into other people’s minds and problems. Once we learn to heal ourselves, we can become healers of the world.

    Hang in there, sweet love!
    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. “As I crave and have brief thoughts about taking a break from sobriety I have to remember……” ‘We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ’….2 Corinthians 10:5
    Love and hugs and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I know those feelings so well. The zoning out, the switching off. Paul Newman says it so well in the movie Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. He drinks until he feels the switch, he waits for the switch to go off in his head, then he can relax.

    It’s a private party.

    Good on you for going through this 🙂 it is a selfish addition, it’s not like anyone can really join the real party going on inside anyway.

    Congratulations to you for getting so far into sobriety!
    Michelle xx

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  10. Awe thank you Michelle! I can definitely relate to Mr. Newman. I do miss the switch. Thankfully today it’s not worth it though. Always appreciate your encouragement and honest blog posts! ❤️

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    1. I completely agree with you! My marriage is better than it’s probably ever been. I have more peace, for sure. Drinking is definitely not worth it but sometimes I still miss it. Usually just fleeting moments, thankfully. ☺️

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  11. Beautiful. Your heart has been made beautiful by your suffering. It is thorough the suffering you have endured that you will be able to comfort others and providing such comfort is being Christ in the world.

    Have you thought about going back to school? About joining or leading a Bible study? You need to be busy. Idle hands make the Devil’s work. Staying busy will help defeat boredom drinking.

    All of us who are the lest bit introspective or compassionate have felt uncomfortable in our own skins. I think that is because we are spiritual creatures in mortal bodies. All who love God are miserable when we see how far the world has fallen. We see the evil in the world and it makes us sick. We take drugs or alcohol to numb us to all the horrors of daily life. Most people are human, all too human. If we are sane, we do not want human. Hitler, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden were all human. We do not want human, we want Godly. We want Jesus.

    Humanist are nuts. Humanity is evil and depraved. We only become more than evil when we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior, when the Holy Spirit comes into our hearts and starts the process of sanctification, of making us more like Jesus and less like humans.

    Your struggle with alcohol is not a struggle with a substance, it is a struggle with your humanity. It is your humanity that drinks (it is the sin in you), it is your Christ nature that seeks sobriety. Not because alcohol is evil but because for you (and all alcoholics) it is a poison. It interferes with your holiness. It takes you farther form God. As a Christian, you are to be set apart for God. The world, your humanity, the sin in you, will pull you away form God. Life is an ever ongoing struggle between the pleasures of this world and holiness. Sometimes holiness wins, sometimes the world wins. But if you press on towards the goal, eventually, holiness will win more and the world will win less. Sanctification is not a straight line. It is a jagged curve that oscillates between sin and holiness.

    Hang in there. God has plans for you. He LOVES you with a love that is beyond human comprehension. The love of a mother for her child is a weak analogy of the love He has for you. Hang onto His love. Stay sober, not for your husband, not for your family, not for your children; but, stay sober for the one who died for you.

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