Insecurity

White noise is a sound we get used too. It can be crickets or traffic, depending on where we live and sleep. I sleep with my fan on. I love to sit in my room with it on while I’m reading or surfing the internet. It soothes me in a way nothing else does. It’s my adult version of rocking the anxiety away and putting my thoughts to sleep.

Another “white noise” visited me today. One I wasn’t expecting but am well acquainted with. I’ve struggled with a deep sadness and fatigue all day because of it and it’s the first time in a very long time I’ve dealt with it sober.

Insecurity. I didn’t catch it in time this morning before it would spin lies in my head the rest of the day and become a familiar noise of obsessive thoughts that shaped my mood and heart so effortlessly.

‘I’m so fat. My hair looks like crap and is unfixable.’

At church…”Hey how are you, Merry Christmas!”….’I look like crap and I’m fat’ (white noise in my head). “Oh, I got a very nice watch and some Nerium”… ‘I’m such a freakin loser, I need to lose weight so I can feel more confident in public’ (WN). Singing..”This is the night of our dear Saviors birth”…’I wish I would’ve stuck to my diet I started in October!, What the crap, I’m such a failure!’ (WN)

And on and on. And the people around me that looked absolutely adorable and flawless seemed like gods to me, I’m just being honest. And the thing that makes me even more crappy is these people are my closest friends. We have been through so much together! This is a “come as you are”, grace-filled, loving, gospel-believing church. We are family. Brothers and sisters united in Christ Jesus! We cry and confess sins to each other and lovingly encourage and pray for one another. We are encouraged to be real on this journey of sanctification so we can better serve each other on this hard and narrow road.

I hate insecurity so much. It’s the worst distraction. It has effected so many of my relationships with people and especially myself and God. When I was in AA several years ago, I did a very thorough 4th step. One of the things that came up over and over in the last column, labeled “my part”, was my resentments towards others based on assumptions and not facts. Like I’ve resented so many people because of warped thinking in my head about what they “probably” think of me. So self-centered and self-absorbed I know. It makes me sick to my stomach, literally.

I pray that I can believe what God says about me and not what my crazy brain and white noise thoughts say about me more and more. Insecurity is such a soul eater and a waste of time. It spews lies and produces days full of deceit because we are not walking in truth. I’m so glad to have made it to 27 days sober. Good tears have been welling up in my eyes this past week and that hasn’t happened in a very long time. Deep down, perhaps for the first time ever, I am truly grateful to be sober.

 

 

 

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25 thoughts on “Insecurity

  1. First off, Merry Christmas! Secondly, I’m right there with you about thinking we know what others think of us. Work in progress. That white noise- I heard a good one at a meeting. Someone said that once the negative thought arises, you mentally tell it: “Thank you for sharing, you can sit down now!” I’m practicing that a little. It does help. Puts you in charge- xoxo

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  2. I have very similar ‘white noises’ in my brain often. I just said to my husband how disappointed I feel that I am still fat at the end of 2016. Do I even have the nerve to make weight loss another new year resolution. It hasn’t worked so far. But I realise the damage I do to myself, walking around with that negative mindset. I know that it is not how most people see me so why do I see myself like that. I am more than my weight. Lisa Bevere says that often, have you read any of her books? She is very encouraging.

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    1. I want to read Without Rival. By the way, your church sounds amazing. I live in the South where tradition and southern bred culture is king. We don’t allow too much room for public error. It’s probably a little of the Bible Belt mentality as well. I grew up Catholic, but because of a divorce I strayed. I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus at that time. I was baptized at 33 in a Baptist congregation. I enjoyed it because I was running on my own righteousness – even though I had a relationship with Christ. Then I entered in to an extramarital relationship which resulted in all manner of fallout. I cannot find a church such as yours who openly allow prodigals to return home.

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      1. Moosey I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard time. My church is guided by The Holy Scriptures and if you’re going to a Christian church who claims the same it should be too. If all the above happened to you and you came back to our church with a repentant heart (Luke 5:31-32, Acts 3:19, and many others speak to this) you would be most certainly welcomed back with loving arms. ❤️

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  3. I had some similar thoughts today.
    Here’s my solution. I close my eyes. I take a few deep breaths, and I tell myself I love you…you are important, worthy and divine. Exactly as you are.

    Repeat until you smile, or cry. Both happen.

    Then brush your hair and put on something that you like and that makes you feel good and be gentle with yourself. You are doing a hard thing. That’s amazing.

    Hug
    Anne

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  4. Where do I begin? You’ve written so much I relate to: “Insecurity. I didn’t catch it in time this morning before it would spin lies in my head the rest of the day and become a familiar noise of obsessive thoughts that shaped my mood and heart so effortlessly.” Captures perfectly what happens. Love your writing- you sound absolutely lovely. Bear hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As one might expect- struggling. In every way. This work I do is demanding and exhausting physically, mentally (and emotionally) as I work with a passive-aggressive man who has our same issue. Couldn’t get back up and stay up after the Christmas party. Seen way too many excruciatingly painful posts as of late about ‘Day one’, ‘Day one, again’, ‘Another Day one’- so I let go of even trying until 1/1/17- Lord willing. That is my plan.

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  5. I think of insecurity as the voice of the ego, and the ego is always wrong. I honor myself and God when I believe him — that I am his perfect loving son and nothing will ever change that. Then the ego becomes a whining little gnat, and not a scary voice of authority. It becomes powerless, because in truth it is powerless.

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    1. True, all so true! And sobriety (as well as blogging) brings with it such introspection which can lead to morbidity if I’m not careful, especially being such a perfectionist! I can perfectly lead myself down a quick path of negativity and doom and gloom. Thanks for this and your support! I think about you everyday. How are you?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Me too! I put you on my prayer list. ; )
        I am doing well. The holiday rush is (almost) over and I have a few days to make an amazing plan for 2017. I am going to go all out with vision boards and written goals. (Very very unlike me.) Sticking to it will be the hard part.
        How about yourself?

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Wow! You are on top of it! That sounds awesome. I’m good. I have 29 days today and that’s a miracle. Had a great Christmas and then when it was over I was exhausted! Still am. I’ve been resting a lot which I’m telling myself is ok bc my brain is healing. ☺️

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I have had a cold that is draining me more than usual, so I’m resting a lot too. I laid around yesterday reading, which I also have to tell myself is OK.
        Well, we made it through Christmas. Cheer to us. ; )

        Liked by 1 person

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