White noise is a sound we get used too. It can be crickets or traffic, depending on where we live and sleep. I sleep with my fan on. I love to sit in my room with it on while I’m reading or surfing the internet. It soothes me in a way nothing else does. It’s my adult version of rocking the anxiety away and putting my thoughts to sleep.
Another “white noise” visited me today. One I wasn’t expecting but am well acquainted with. I’ve struggled with a deep sadness and fatigue all day because of it and it’s the first time in a very long time I’ve dealt with it sober.
Insecurity. I didn’t catch it in time this morning before it would spin lies in my head the rest of the day and become a familiar noise of obsessive thoughts that shaped my mood and heart so effortlessly.
‘I’m so fat. My hair looks like crap and is unfixable.’
At church…”Hey how are you, Merry Christmas!”….’I look like crap and I’m fat’ (white noise in my head). “Oh, I got a very nice watch and some Nerium”… ‘I’m such a freakin loser, I need to lose weight so I can feel more confident in public’ (WN). Singing..”This is the night of our dear Saviors birth”…’I wish I would’ve stuck to my diet I started in October!, What the crap, I’m such a failure!’ (WN)
And on and on. And the people around me that looked absolutely adorable and flawless seemed like gods to me, I’m just being honest. And the thing that makes me even more crappy is these people are my closest friends. We have been through so much together! This is a “come as you are”, grace-filled, loving, gospel-believing church. We are family. Brothers and sisters united in Christ Jesus! We cry and confess sins to each other and lovingly encourage and pray for one another. We are encouraged to be real on this journey of sanctification so we can better serve each other on this hard and narrow road.
I hate insecurity so much. It’s the worst distraction. It has effected so many of my relationships with people and especially myself and God. When I was in AA several years ago, I did a very thorough 4th step. One of the things that came up over and over in the last column, labeled “my part”, was my resentments towards others based on assumptions and not facts. Like I’ve resented so many people because of warped thinking in my head about what they “probably” think of me. So self-centered and self-absorbed I know. It makes me sick to my stomach, literally.
I pray that I can believe what God says about me and not what my crazy brain and white noise thoughts say about me more and more. Insecurity is such a soul eater and a waste of time. It spews lies and produces days full of deceit because we are not walking in truth. I’m so glad to have made it to 27 days sober. Good tears have been welling up in my eyes this past week and that hasn’t happened in a very long time. Deep down, perhaps for the first time ever, I am truly grateful to be sober.