Still so thirsty

So far sobriety seems so grinding. It’s been 21 days since I felt the false sense of security alcohol gives me. My emotional insulation is gone. I feel everything. And as much as I want to counter all the above with the harmful effects and the unending shameful hangovers, part of me just needs to feel the pain of losing it.

So far I’ve managed to block it all. To immediately dismiss a craving. To just keep going no matter what, keeping sobriety as my goal.

So far my days have been pretty good. I’m laughing again. My husband and I are getting along so well and I’m not quietly resenting him or wishing him away so I can get drunk peacefully. I’m back doing ministry work at church that I love deeply. I’ve only been sporadically and half-heartedly present for most of the last few years as far as I’m concerned.

I’m not even craving right now. I’m just so tired of the daily grind of not escaping. I’m so grateful to the ones that still blog about sobriety. The ones that have stayed to talk about the good and acceptance of the bad. I want that. That deep inner peace. My soul is still so thirsty.

David in Psalm 42 sums it up perfectly except I can’t cry:

As a deer pants for flowing streams,
    so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
    for the living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
    “Where is your God?”

These things I remember,
    as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
    and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
    a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
    therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
    from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
    at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
    have gone over me.

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
    and at night his song is with me,
    a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God, my rock:
    “Why have you forgotten me?

Why do I go mourning
    because of the oppression of the enemy?”

As with a deadly wound in my bones,
    my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
    “Where is your God?”

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

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8 thoughts on “Still so thirsty

  1. I have a painting in my home of a beautiful deer in the woods at night. Every time I look at it I think of that verse. It is one of my favourite scriptures.
    It is not easy. These early days of sobriety are difficult. I cry out to God all the time for strength. I have poured alcohol in to me for so many years as a way of self medicating. It is hard not having that now. I feel alone but yet know that I am not alone. I really loved Sober Mummy’s post today, it has given me hope that there is a bright future out there. Maybe one day I will be the one writing something like that myself, and you too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Healing takes time. Remember the tortoise and the hare? You have to be the tortoise: slow and steady. Unfortunately, none of us like slow. We want it done and over with yesterday. To be told it is character building to endure pain and suffering is never taken well; but, the truth seldom is. May you thirst for Jesus more than you ever thirsted for earthly wine. Thirst for His living water. Thirst for His wine of communion which does not intoxicate but instead brings peace and joy. Get drunk on His words, feel the intoxication of the Holy Spirit lifting you up. Hear His words telling you that you are loved by the most high God. The God of the entire universe loves you. If you fall, fall into His arms, for in the arms of Jesus arms are 10,000 charms. All better than alcohol.

    Liked by 1 person

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