Yesterday I felt like a big open wound walking around. I never realized a few mini bottles of wine most every night had such an impact on my life. I was more dependent than I ever realized because now my heart is grieving it’s loss.
This is not even my bottom.
My bottom happened years ago when I was high on pills and drunk everyday for 2 years straight. Getting high and drunk was my solution. And when I finally ended up at a faith based treatment center I looked like “a wounded animal that had been ran over and left in the road to die”, the director of the facility would later tell me.
I was at the end of myself, whatever that “self” was. The truth is I was completely lost in this world, from birth it seems, until my first drink of alcohol. And the pills that followed years later were to me the perfect combination of an odorless, energizing, buzz. I became superwoman, I thought. But as we all know-the ones that have been down this incomprehensible, demoralizing road-“it gave me wings to fly, and then it took away my sky”.
Completely alone in a foreign place provided the perfect setting for my heart to begin to heal. Because it was there in that place that I met The One who would not only save my soul but teach my handicapped mind and heart how to walk. I got to know God through His Word and I prayed to Him and slowly He transformed my life. I can’t explain it. I am not the person I was back then.
I had been clean and sober over 3 years when the pain of endometriosis became unbearable and started taking Tramadol. At that time Tramadol was not a controlled substance, even though it is now. But what I want to say is this…It took maybe a day or two for the addiction in my brain to take back over on that day nearly 3 years ago. And now I have 17 days sober.
I cant be sure but the only reason I believe that I haven’t went down into the pits of addiction I was in before is because of the sustaining grace of God. I wish so much I would’ve been more cautious. For a year after that relapse the morning sun was just a reminder of how much I failed. It’s been a long process to get this 17 days sober and clean again. The desire to drink or use is not there right now, and for that I’m so grateful.
I’m not sure if I just didn’t listen before or no one told me. But this is the first time I’ve ever tried to not escape in recovery. What I mean is I’m learning from other sober bloggers is just to be honest and learn to deal with emotions without drowning them with alcohol. Why have I never learned this before?? I can look back now and see it so clearly.
It was never ok to be wrong or sad or mad.
I can honestly say, with tears in my eyes, that in this moment, right now, it is ok to be human. And that is freaking incredible. 🙂