Healing hurts

15 Days without alcohol feels…

so weird. It’s so hard to explain. Even though yesterday I felt “happy”. I still didn’t have a lot of peace. And the only I reason I even go there, on here, is because I would hate for someone to come here and read this and think it’s easy. Because as crazy as it sounds, even the good days aren’t easy at all.

It’s taken everything I have to be sober. I haven’t had a lot of cravings. I’ve had some but I literally just will not let my brain go there. I don’t let it think too long about drinking. Because I know if I do, I will give in.

As bad as the hangovers were. As bad as the shame and guilt was. It was comfortable to drink. Drinking not only stopped me from feeling. It actually helped me feel when I was numb. That’s where I’m at now. Kinda just numb. Kinda just here. Kinda just not much going on.

Except I’m healing. And my brain is putting itself back together. And my shattered heart is on the mend.

So behind all the numb, is a life preparing to emerge. Even though it hasn’t quite emerged yet. It’s on its way. I can feel it. I know it with everything in me, this will not last. I will live again. And my life will be so much more than just trying to not drink. The seed of sobriety has been planted and even though it’s so hard, I kinda feel like I’m finally home.

Come as You are by David Crowder

Come out of sadness
From wherever you’ve been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are

There’s hope for the hopeless
And all those who’ve strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There’s rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t cure

So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You’re not too far
Lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Fall in his arms
Come as you are
There’s joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can’t heal

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=come+as+you+are+crowder&FORM=HDRSC3

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21 thoughts on “Healing hurts

    1. Rob, thank you for that. I know that pain is the price of admission into a new life. That’s the only reason I’m sticking with this. If I knew I would stay where I’m at now, I would so give up. Thanks for reaching out. Means the world right now! 🙂

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  1. It really is a game of survival in the beginning … just kind of hanging in there, hoping things get better. But It’s so uplifting to see what faith you have in your own healing. Like you, I got that faith from reading people’s memoirs and blogs, half believing that what they said about how great their lives had become might be true for me. And it is! It’s hard for me to recognize myself in the first few posts I wrote. And I can’t help wondering … why would I settle for that kind of existence for so long?
    It’s like settling for a really bad relationship. You have to feel you deserve better before you can move on.
    Hang in there!

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      1. Thank God for going to bed. It’s the one thing that’s saved my sanity in sobriety. I can start over every night. I can forget all of the inconveniences and frustrations of today and wake up refreshed instead of thirsty, headachy and wishing I hadn’t woken up at all. ; )
        I hope things get easier tomorrow.

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  2. Ahh, the rocky road of the first 30 days are so tough. I know what you mean about drinking being so comfortable, even with all the ugly that it brings with it. Hang in there, sobriety gets more comfortable too. ❤ 15 days is great, someday you'll look at these early posts and want to hug yourself because it's the hardest time. Here's an internet hug from someone that made it through those early days. ❤

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  3. Are you going to AA, have a sponsor, and working the steps? I know for me it has made all the difference in the world. I don’t feel like I’m “white knuckling it.” I feel like I’m doing good work. It started when I was at rehab, then I found a couple of amazing groups locally where I go 3-4 days a week. I have an amazing sponsor, and I’m on step 6 right now! I would suggest getting involved in AA to help you with this journey!

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    1. That’s awesome! I was in AA for 6 years and couldn’t stay sober. Not that it was AAs fault. But I made some lifelong friends and stay in touch with so many of them today. They have been a huge support to me. I did finally manage to get over 3 years sober one time-after getting saved and getting to know Jesus-He literally taught me how to live and love and walk this life on Earth for the first time ever-I was so handicapped-so completely broken-Anyway, I became a workaholic and then bc of pain caused by endometriosis got on a pain med that wasn’t supposed to be addictive (it’s a narcotic now, but it wasn’t 3 years ago) and that literally unlocked the addiction in my brain that had been closed for years, from the first day. I may change my mind about AA but for now, it’s not a route I want to take at all. Hope that makes sense!

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  4. Stopping by to say hello.
    You have been sober for 3 years before?
    I went to AA after treatment and went back to drinking.
    Then after I quit again, I went to AA, got a life coach, a therapist, started a blog, told all my family and friends, and it finally is sticking!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. Hey Wendy! 🙂 The short story is I was in AA for 6 years and couldn’t stay sober. I made some lifelong friends and stay in touch with so many of them today. They have been a huge support to me and still are. I did finally manage to get over 3 years sober one time-after getting saved and getting to know Jesus-He literally taught me how to live and love and walk this life on Earth for the first time ever-I was so handicapped-so completely broken-Anyway, I became a workaholic and then bc of pain caused by endometriosis got on a pain med that wasn’t supposed to be addictive (it’s a narcotic now, but it wasn’t 3 years ago) and that literally unlocked the addiction in my brain that had been closed for years, from the first day. Now I have a sober penpal, listen to sober podcasts, have a very close church family and now this blog. It’s so nice to meet you! 🙂

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  5. I love that song and cry every time I hear it. I actually stumbled on it today. I’m praying for you. I listened to lots and lots of Christian music when I was hurting. Really helpful. Read, pray, music was my routine. I’m here for you and rooting you on.

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    1. I first heard it at Passion in Atlanta several years ago. As much as we try to not too-we really can only ever ‘come as we are’. Especially to The One that knows us so intimately anyway. Your comment is such a sweet gift to my heart today. Thank you for being here and rooting me on. It means so much! ❤️

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  6. Sobriety is hard work. If you went to AA you may have heard the saying: You are either working on your recovery or you are working on your relapse. Remember: Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. Romans 5:3-5New International Version (NIV).

    Often in life, we find that the best things require the most work. Climbing Mt. Everest is dangerous, difficult and will put every fiber of your being to the test; but, the view from the top is amazing. Sobriety is your Everest. I hope that you will continue the climb. It will be hard work but who really values things that come without effort?

    It also seems like you have had more than one go at sobriety. That is more common than not. Getting sober is a lot like pushing a car out of a mud hole. It takes a lot of effort, there is some forward movement, some back sliding, but if you are persistent and keep at it, if you don’t give up, you can get through and come out the other side. The Japanese say: fall down seven times, stand up eight.

    Remember, you can’t out sin God’s infinite Grace. The Hymn “Come, Ye Sinners, Poor and Needy” says:

    Come, ye weary, heavy-laden,
    Lost and ruined by the fall;
    If you tarry till you’re better,
    You will never come at all.

    You will never be good enough, none of us will but the good news is that is not what it is all about. Jesus did not come for the healthy, he came for the sick, the broken hearted, “if you tarry till you’re better, you will never come at all.”

    Let not conscience make you linger,
    Not of fitness fondly dream;
    All the fitness He requireth
    Is to feel your need of Him.

    So if you feel your need for Him, do as the song writer says:

    I will arise and go to Jesus,
    He will embrace me in His arms;
    In the arms of my dear Savior,
    Oh, there are ten thousand charms.

    Stick with your sobriety. If you fall down get up and go at it again. Keep at it for you are fighting for your very life. It will be hard but as many who have gone before you can attest, it is a fight that can be won, it is a mountain that can be climbed.

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    1. Wow, thank you, thank you, thank you! I just took a break from cooking dinner and will dive back into this later. I love what I’ve read so far and really appreciate you taking the time to encourage me. Seriously, it means so much!

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  7. You are so welcome. Remember: You are never alone. No matter how dark the night, how dreadful the day, Jesus is there with you. He lived as fully human and fully divine: a mystery that I do not believe can be understood in this life, only accepted. In his humanness, Jesus wept at Lazarus’ death (even though he would raise him form the dead). In the garden of Gethsemane he sweated blood knowing what was to come: the whipping, the crown of thorns and the crucifixion. Knowing the terror that lay ahead, he said to God: let this cup pass from me but if not then your will be done, not mine (I paraphrase.). He set the ultimate and perfect example of surrender. The addict must surrender and accept that their sobriety is outside of their control. Their sobriety depends on a higher power. It depends upon surrendering to Jesus and thirsting for Him more than you thirst for alcohol or drugs. This is not always easy. Remember the man who asked Jesus to help him with his unbelief? Christ knows we struggle.

    Christians are new creations in old bodies. The new creation is at war with the old body. The new creation calls you to sobriety, the old body calls you back into using drugs or alcohol. The new you dreads relapse the old you longs for it. Unfortunately, God does not always bail us out. Robert Frost wrote: Hope lies not so much in a way out but in a way through. God often wants you to work through your problem and by this struggle grow in faith. The addicts pray should probably be: God help me get through this; not, God fix this. I will pray that God helps you through this and that during this time you will grow spiritually and in the future be able to share the comfort that the Holy Spirit has comforted you with: Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5.

    If you are not in a Bible study, I encourage you to find one. Pursue God with your whole heart and you are likely to end up well. I do not pretend to know the mind of God but I think that if you pursue Him you have a higher probability of ending up well than if you pursue the world.

    I am not so foolish as to think that declaring yourself a Christian will grant you an easy way through. If you had any such delusions then read Ecclesiastes or Job. The old testament writers knew that following God did not guarantee an easy road. All Christians should remember the road Christ took and recall that he called all who would follow him to take up their cross… we Christians are not promised an easy way out!

    But do not lose heart! A difficult road with God is much easier than an easy road with out him. I suspect you have found this out for yourself 🙂

    Stay Sober and Carry On.

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    1. You are so right. His goal for us is holiness not happiness. Thank you so much for encouraging me! I read through your blog and I love your commitment to the only truth we have-The Word of God. I pray His grace allows you to continue on that hard, but necessary road.

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