Will sobriety work for me?

It’s only by the grace of God I’m still sober. I’ve had some cravings and depression has kicked in. But it’s like a switch has flipped in my brain to not drink no matter what. I feel like a robot. Like I’m just going through the motions from the time I wake up to the time, finally, thankfully, it’s time to go to bed.

And all day long the chatter in my head goes something like this “Is this really gonna work? What if I’m miserable sober? What if sober doesn’t work for me? What if being sober makes me worse and not better?” And on and on.

Honestly, I’m not trusting this process. I don’t really believe God can restore me to sanity. No wonder I’m sad. No wonder I feel almost hopeless.

Another thing is I’m a housewife who homeschools my teenager. I constantly beat myself up that I’m not good enough at either. The first week I was sober, I gave myself a break from the constant condemnation that has been with me since I was born. Anyway, being at home all day is a blessing but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel that way a lot. There’s really not a break in the day or even an escape so I it feels like I have no choice but to just live in it like it is. I know that’s a lie. I could exercise. Which helps tremendously. But it’s almost like I want to just give up. It’s almost like I just want this to be easier and not have to work for it.

I’m tired. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically just tired. I don’t want to try so hard to stay sober. Or to be happy. or to live a normal, fulfilling life.

Which is exactly where alcohol takes me. It takes me to the place where it’s ok to be tired. Its perfectly fine to not care. And life is easy.

On one of my last hangovers I wrote

“I can’t hate myself for this. I just have to keep trying. Thomas Edison failed 1000 times before he made the light bulb work. I won’t give up on myself. I can’t afford to hate myself or be mad at myself. I drank. It wasn’t in my goals but so what. It happened.

I feel like crap.

The nausea, the depression, is awful.

I’ve been in bed all day.

I’m too tired to live.

And feeling above all unworthy of anything good.

God please reach inside my heart and give me the strength to say no to alcohol forever. Help me to stop the madness. Help me to live a joyful life and surrender to you and your ways. I just want to say no to drinking for the rest of my life.”

He’s given me strength to say no to alcohol. Maybe now He’s helping me to stop the madness…

 

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6 thoughts on “Will sobriety work for me?

  1. Wow, I understand your “too tired to live” comment. I felt that way for decades. I drank to give me energy, to calm myself, and to be entertained without leaving the house. And to quit caring.
    What I know now is that for the most part, the alcohol was causing the problems. I can honestly say that even with less than a year of sobriety, I never feel that way anymore. I do get tired, but it’s much easier to exercise without the bone-wearying exhaustion caused by drinking. If I had known I would feel this good, I would have stopped years ago. But I was afraid of losing the one comfort I had. It turns out that “comfort” was killing me.
    I so hope you stick with this. I would love to have another friend on this wonderful sober journey. ; )
    xoxo,
    Shawna

    Like

    1. Shawna, what a sweet gift your comment is! You have no idea-or maybe you do-how much this simple connection means to me and my heart right now. I just finished up supper and cleaning up and now I’m checking out different themes for my sober blog! Lol! Aaaahhh. I believe you about that it gets better. That’s what I keep hearing and reading. I actually just read about PAWS too and how it takes our brains time to heal and work itself out. So excited to have a new sober friend! And your blog is amazing! Seriously-I’ve read a lot of blogs and books and you my friend, are a great writer with a beautiful heart. I’m thrilled you came by to see me. Thank you! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow, and you returned the gift ten times over! Thank you so much. And you have no idea what that means to me. I am not one to put things out there in real life, so the blogging has helped tremendously. Also, I remember that the first comment I ever got somehow made it all worthwhile. And you will be amazed how quickly people from all over the world will find your blog and identify with your struggle. You end up saving other people along with yourself.
        Thanks for making me evening. ; )
        x0x0,
        Shawna

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I tutor twice a week for one hour and THAT is exhausting. How you do it is totally beyond me. Give yourself AMAZING credit. (Who does these kids’ laundry?) I am one of four as well, so I understand the chaotic “fun” of four.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I could have wrote this! Minus the homeschooling. Sometimes I feel like my home has become a prison and the wine is my escape – how crazy is that? The wine is my chains.

    Liked by 1 person

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