It’s only by the grace of God I’m still sober. I’ve had some cravings and depression has kicked in. But it’s like a switch has flipped in my brain to not drink no matter what. I feel like a robot. Like I’m just going through the motions from the time I wake up to the time, finally, thankfully, it’s time to go to bed.
And all day long the chatter in my head goes something like this “Is this really gonna work? What if I’m miserable sober? What if sober doesn’t work for me? What if being sober makes me worse and not better?” And on and on.
Honestly, I’m not trusting this process. I don’t really believe God can restore me to sanity. No wonder I’m sad. No wonder I feel almost hopeless.
Another thing is I’m a housewife who homeschools my teenager. I constantly beat myself up that I’m not good enough at either. The first week I was sober, I gave myself a break from the constant condemnation that has been with me since I was born. Anyway, being at home all day is a blessing but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. It doesn’t feel that way a lot. There’s really not a break in the day or even an escape so I it feels like I have no choice but to just live in it like it is. I know that’s a lie. I could exercise. Which helps tremendously. But it’s almost like I want to just give up. It’s almost like I just want this to be easier and not have to work for it.
I’m tired. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically just tired. I don’t want to try so hard to stay sober. Or to be happy. or to live a normal, fulfilling life.
Which is exactly where alcohol takes me. It takes me to the place where it’s ok to be tired. Its perfectly fine to not care. And life is easy.
On one of my last hangovers I wrote
“I can’t hate myself for this. I just have to keep trying. Thomas Edison failed 1000 times before he made the light bulb work. I won’t give up on myself. I can’t afford to hate myself or be mad at myself. I drank. It wasn’t in my goals but so what. It happened.
I feel like crap.
The nausea, the depression, is awful.
I’ve been in bed all day.
I’m too tired to live.
And feeling above all unworthy of anything good.
God please reach inside my heart and give me the strength to say no to alcohol forever. Help me to stop the madness. Help me to live a joyful life and surrender to you and your ways. I just want to say no to drinking for the rest of my life.”
He’s given me strength to say no to alcohol. Maybe now He’s helping me to stop the madness…